Ever wondered where all the frustration and irritation come from? Why is it that as humans it is always easy to focus on the negative? Why is it that we have such a low self-esteem about ourselves, yet we will always encourage our loved ones to have the confidence? Perhaps they feel the same way when they are around us.
Over a period of observing my own feelings and emotions have caused a significant amount of dis-harmony with my relationships, not just with my spouse, but also with friends and family. To a point where I have cut ties with many leaving things unsaid and sour. I knew I needed to work on myself and get to the root of the matter before I caused anymore collateral damage, figuratively speaking.
I got in contact with a colleague, a part-time counsellor. We began to work with my anger issues, where was this coming from, working from the now backwards to where this emotion birthed. The conversation we ended up having:
Counsellor: Kiran, I want us to work on a technique that will help us get to the root of the matter, so let’s begin with picking a feeling that we want to work with.
Kiran: I get angry so quickly, but I am unable to express it, yeah… it has got to be anger.
Counsellor: Ok, I will ask you questions, and you answer on impulse, whatever comes to your mind first. I am angry because?
Kiran: Because I do not get any help, I feel I must do everything by myself.
Counsellor: Why do you feel you must do everything yourself?
Kiran: Because it is easier to do it myself rather than others who do not do it the right way in the first place, I am a perfectionist!
Counsellor: Why are you a perfectionist?
Kiran: Because as a child I was told that I need to be responsible for all that I do and not to show a sign of weakness.
Counsellor: Why did you have to be responsible and not show a sign of weakness?
Kiran: Because I will not be good enough if I show a sign of weakness.
Counsellor: Kiran, feel all the emotion of not being good enough, sit with it and talk to the not being good enough emotion, tell her that you both are good enough! Tell her it is ok and that you set her free and choose to be good enough from this very moment, now. Send your younger self all the love and tell her she is safe now and free to be good enough.
Kiran: I cry for this little girl, tears come flooding and I let go of this heaviness in my chest, its like a cork has been unscrewed from the heart and I let all the love flow. I am surrounded by love, feel so much lighter. I am GOOD ENOUGH!
The session I had blew my mind away, I went through a series of emotions, from self-loathing, to not being good enough to not feeling anything for a while, to opening the floodgates of love and shower this little girl with an abundance of love assuring her that she is safe now to feel good enough, to love herself for who she is now for this is her reality.
Image from Canva
1994 – Somewhere in Nakuru, Kenya
Dad: I am so disappointed in you Kiran, you are the eldest and you should take responsibility for your actions, you are supposed to set up a good example. Look at Indi (not her real name), how smart she is, why can’t you be like her?
Kiran: But dad it wasn’t my fault, why don’t you speak to the person who should be responsible for their actions directly, keep me out of it! I am not Indi, and if you are so taken by her smartness, maybe you should adopt her as your child and be done with it.
Dad: Its not good enough, I want you to be responsible, I want you to be clever otherwise you will not amount to anything good and will be a failure for the rest of your life.
The above was a conversation I once had with my father, it was like I was only seen as the best breed of stallion, and I had to win the race at any cost. I had to be someone that I am not, and the constant comparison was irritating. When I began my work life, I continued to work hard and achieve top results, every time I achieved something I did not stop to enjoy it, I went on to get my next high and achieve more. I ended up having the title of “Miss Perfectionist”, but every time I felt empty and if someone complimented me, I would not see it at face value and just say thank you instead, I had to explain why I did it and my existence. All the negative self-talk and downplaying my abilities with being self-critical.
There was this void, I tried to fill with the material belongings, but what of the void within, a want to belong to someone. Not realising that no one can fill that space and it was entirely up to me to work on myself. I began to look for techniques and ways and means to help me be the happy person from inside out. Counselling sessions, self help books, healing sessions, every possible holistic means that could help me with self-acceptance and love myself for who I am.
My friend Denise, whom I recently met, we had a chat about life and manifestation, and we discovered we both shared the love for books, and she bought me one as a present. Coffee Self-Talk by Kristen Helmstetter. This book was all to do with affirmations about the self, you see I have a 1-2-1 course called Shift your Mojo and I though I had nailed it with changing your perception of yourself, but there was more to discover. As I began to read this book, it was simply using the concept of saying out loud positive affirmations, positive self-talk while enjoying a cup of coffee, it is a routine setter. Now I do not drink coffee so I though long and hard on how I can set the self-talk in my routine.
I had a light bulb moment, you see I spend a lot of time on my hair in front of the mirror, so I decided to give it a go as the positive self-talk. I wrote down a couple of pages of the self-talk affirmations and started the self-love process. I was only a week into my Mirror Self-talk work and met Denise for a coffee and she immediately commented on the glow on my face and all I said to her was “Thank you, magical Mirror Self-talk.” Three weeks into the Mirror Self-talk, all the positive self-talk has changed the game!
By Kiran Kaur
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